new year

It leaves me empty. As if standing on the ledge of a very tall building: you know how high you are, you know that one move can make you fall, and you are left empty with the knowledge that it is all in your hands.

Every New Year recently has always been about taking some sort of stock of what happened. And it is almost like leaving something unfinished... no, please, don't go, not yet, there are still things I would like to sort out, complete, fights I need to fight. If anything bad happens, if tears again wet my face, I want it all to be left in the old year. So wait, just a couple of days - let me tie the loose ends, and then you can come - the New Year.

But I am lying to myself, I will not be tying up anything. I am just afraid that the tabula rasa of the new year will require of me to write a new page of my history that is not going to be a "comedy" but rather another "drama" I do not want drama. I want to be an observer.

So however scary - happy new year everyone.