new year

It leaves me empty. As if standing on the ledge of a very tall building: you know how high you are, you know that one move can make you fall, and you are left empty with the knowledge that it is all in your hands.

Every New Year recently has always been about taking some sort of stock of what happened. And it is almost like leaving something unfinished... no, please, don't go, not yet, there are still things I would like to sort out, complete, fights I need to fight. If anything bad happens, if tears again wet my face, I want it all to be left in the old year. So wait, just a couple of days - let me tie the loose ends, and then you can come - the New Year.

But I am lying to myself, I will not be tying up anything. I am just afraid that the tabula rasa of the new year will require of me to write a new page of my history that is not going to be a "comedy" but rather another "drama" I do not want drama. I want to be an observer.

So however scary - happy new year everyone.

Weight of the world

I have registered on one of those "reconnect with old classmates" sites. I found people who I have not seen for 18 years or more.

I look at their pictures and girls who I used to make fun of became gorgeous women. My friends who cheated off me in math class are now VPs of multi-national corporations.

Time is unkind and yet delivers amazing gifts. Yes, we all got older: more wrinkles, grey hairs, or little hair to begin with, kids, husbands/wives, etc. But we also have achieved something we never dreamed of. Most of my friends never planned to be where they find themselves today. Including myself. Not in my wildest dreams could I have imagined my life taking such dramatic turns to land me where I am today.

This got me thinking and (once again) feeling how grandiose the Universe really is - what seems impossible today will be the norm in a number of years. ... and we will be witnesses to that transformation.

I miss the years that have gone by and am a bit nervous about all the years to come. I am certainly most amazed at the current moments, the second I am typing this post. We are all so unique and free to make whatever choices we can think of - its astonishing.

I can feel it. Damn! I still feel it.

I thought I was over you. And then you sit down across from me and I stumble and fall into your eyes as the music of City & Colour still rings in my head.

I thought I was over you. And then you start talking and I watch the movement of your lips and your voice is so comforting.

I thought I was over you. And I try not to stare, I really do, I make myself look away. I am trying to hide what my eyes will convey.

I thought I was over you. And then you leave. I feel the weight of my sadness, I want to shake it off, but my thoughts will be the death of me.

Damn, I really thought I was over you.

The feeling of unease

This is not new but worth noting. Since everything in life goes in cycles so is our attitude to work. Feeling of hopelessness, that your career is going nowhere, disappointment with your company, colleagues. Anyway it is very challenging to walk away and dismiss such feelings especially when you're engulfed by them.

They leave me staring inside myself and finding no inspiration to move forward. I end u procrastinating and avoiding any work, because the only question that comes to mind is : Who the hell cares about what I do/do not do?"

The sad truth is that really no one cares. Regardless whether you feel pumped about your work, or like today you feel miserable. A job is a perfect example of the universal truth that all things pass. At work everything becomes "old news" as soon as the deadline is met. Once the presentation is delivered, few will be looking forward to revisiting it again. Once the project completes - new goals are set and no one looks back to the endless hours you have spent making the deadline.

So all the frustrations or happiness you feel now about what you do will ultimately pass with another deadline.

This deadline concept is very appealing - it always provides comfort knowing that even when I feel like quitting it all, I know there will be another "deadline" that will bring this emotion to a close and move me on - "this too shall pass"

Everyone lies.... yep.

So why is that? Why do we all lie?